literature

I Am Afraid To Love You

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Literature Text

I bite my lip
I shuffle my feet
When I smile it's tight and polite
But my hands lay open
For you to hold
I always leave space for you on the sidewalk
I tuck my hair behind my ear
I want to be beautiful for you
I'll spend all day wondering what will make you smile
Even though you already do
I want to write poems for you
Until my fingernails crack
I select only the best words for you
Only my most complete thoughts,
When I read that we are beasts
Who only love the idea of love
I am afraid to love you
Because I thrive on your words
On your shadow in the corner of my eye
In the pressure of your body in my bed
In my hand
In my mind
The idea that you are laughing
The idea that you are looking at me
The idea that your hands curl slightly when you sleep
I am afraid to love you
Because I do not want to love an idea
When I know you deserve to be seen
And you love a broken-eyed girl
I am afraid to love you
When I know I see so much more
Than your pale face that tips in concern to me when I cry
That smiles so softly when I am happy
That can break into pure sunlit beams when you laugh
Than your glittering eyes that close like clockwork
Than those bare feet that touch the cracked earth
Like your bare hands that touch my worn skin
I am afraid to love you
Because I am afraid you love me too
When the day is boring
when I am sleep-deprived and muttering to the kettle
When I am plain
I am afraid you love me then
You make space for me in your heart
Amongst the categorized pages of your mind
You make space for a tidal wave like me
With my disorganized bookshelves and dark rooms
When I stare at the moon
You stare at the knots in my hair
And wish to run your hand through them
I am afraid you love me then
My voice hush to speak with you
My polite mouth I wish you'd bruise
When you merely want to run your finger along it
The fingertips you touch
Distractedly and without thought
Where my thoughts are alight with you
I am afraid to love you
You love me with a gentle hello
I love you with caught breath
I am afraid to love you
Because you give me air
Because you give me life
All I have to give are boring days
Where I watch television with you
Talk about my theories
And you love me for them
Because you can see the worlds in my mind
The places in my heart that I travel to
When the sun is in my eyes
When I place the blanket over your feet
Even though you don't need it
I'm afraid you love me then
I'm afraid to love you
Because you love me for my ideas
You love me for my worrystones
You love me for normalities
You love me for my burning thoughts
I am afraid to love you
Because you love me too.
I got inspired to write this after reading a tumblr post about how loving someone isn't easy or as romantic as it looks, that loving something fiercely or complicatedly, as if they're some paragon of perfection or something like that, is loving an idea of the person and not them. That in love we tend to love the idea of love, but don't love the idea of having boring days with them or dealing with the normal things that occur within having human lives. It made me worry that maybe I love the same way, so I wrote this poem to organize my thoughts and try to explain that I don't love the person that this is directed to for the idea of loving them, I love them for more than the parts that I've found "perfect" or romantic. TLDR: This is a poem about telling someone you love them for who they are, not what you think they are. 
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